In the early 1980’s, convinced it would be the next break-out sensation, Nathaniel DeMont invested heavily to create DeMont Keytars; a shop designated exclusively to the sale and construction of keyboard synthesizers you wear like a guitar. Unfortunately, like the rat-tail and Pogs, keytars were a short-lived fad. DeMont, having sunk his life savings into the business, pivoted to guitars. “Turns out the straps work on both. I was able to salvage half my inventory.” He said, shrugging seductively. Since then, DeMont Guitars has become the number-one combination guitar shop & small animal taxidermist in Northern Illinois. Contrary to recent news reports, bear meat that was discovered on the premises WAS acquired (and subsequently) consumed legally.
Nathaniel “Baritone Nate” DeMont was born outside of a small shack in rural Utah. Not wanting to “mess up the fancy rug”, he was birthed atop a tree stump next to the wood pile with all of his adult teeth. Baritone Nate was brought up at a time and in a region in which children were fed bottles of salt water. Consequently, to this day the ocean as well as the smell of tears causes him to salivate. Baritone Nate’s first experience with a guitar has been traced back to an underground Fender dueling ring out of Detroit. Though there are no official records, anecdotal evidence supports Baritone losing every single match, including one with a little girl armed with a ukulele. After that, he found himself hitchhiking through the Rocky Mountains, destinations unknown. It was on this path that he was picked up by Lou Bega’s t our bus, and they traveled a brief time together writing 4 mambos before parting ways due to creative differences. It was in the Spring of 2000 that Baritone won his name in a poker match against the poker player formerly known as “Baritone Nate”. To this date, Baritone Nate DeMont has been asked to leave 32 Applebee’s nationwide, though once in Dubuque it was because a fire and everyone was told to evacuate. An investigation on whether or not he started the fire is currently ongoing. Now, due to the laxed tax laws of the state of Illinois, his status in most countries in Central & South America, and a mineral dependency on well water from the Fox River watershed, he owns a guitar shop in Oswego, IL.
Dorain is the current world-record holder for longest cosplay experience with his “Hobbit” portrayal. Working with DeMont Guitars is his job, but his real passion is maintaining his hobbit persona in costume and general appearance indefinitely. There is little competition for this record, as few human beings possess the level of commitment and overall oddness to maintain a cosplay character 24/7 for any real duration.
Dorian is always willing to sign autographs or pose for photos, If only someone were to ask.
In the early 90’s, local government spent thousands of dollars building fences to help boost the local economy. In the haste of their work, a small boy became trapped by one such fence. Funding for the project ran out, and laborers went on strike or left the state, leaving the boy stuck. Over time, locals began to feed the boy, seeing him as a sort of mascot or pet. Names like ‘Fence boy” or “Ratty” were thrown around, but “Ryan” was the only one that stuck. Other than never having seen his lower front half of his body, due to it being pinned to the ground by a rustic pine fence, Ryan has lead an average life. He eats whatever is given to him or blows within arm reach, learned to count rocks and cigarette butts, and has enjoyed seeing passerby’s shoes and ankles. Currently there is a gofundme to help pay to have the section of fence pinning Ryan removed and to gently curl the bill of his favorite and only hat.
Cameron is a luthier at DeMont Guitars, placed there by a nonprofit that matches small businesses and those who are currently recovering from melteefaciitis, or “Candle Face Syndrome”. This muscular affliction causes Cameron to always be frowning, much like if his face was made of warm wax. This disorder is purely cosmetic and is most often a result in being overwhelming disappointed in “Boondock Saints II”. Cameron is in recovery and a skilled worker at DeMont Guitars. We are all looking forward to a day in which Cameron might smile again.
Kevin “The Big Hush” hasn’t been heard speaking in 7 years. After reading the back of a book on monastic practices while in the waiting room of his Proctologist, Kevin decided to move to a remote plot of land and take a vow of silence. After having a devastating experience not-qualifying for “The Bachelor”, Kevin was ready for a dramatic life change. His silence is both a challenge as well as a welcomed idiosyncrasy around the shop at DeMont Guitars. His current hobbies include not-talking about things, eating leafy foliage, and picking up weirdly shaped rocks from around his banana-yellow ’87 streamline trailer. In addition to his vow of silence, he also underwent a vow of celibacy, a vow of poverty and a vow to never use a product with a barcode, with varying levels of success.
In what-is-now the Czech Republic, there is a story told by the gypsies -of a discarded store mannequin; tattered in an old alley way, that was enchanted by the gods. The mannequin was called ‘Frank,’ which in their gypsy tongue meant, “awkward closeness.” And he was set out into the world. The legend has been told throughout the generations, from region to region, slowly making its way to the Midwest. Around that same time, the mysterious Frank Tedrahn showed up at DeMont Guitars looking for work. The complete absence of body hair or nipples, and his affinity for standing, has caused some to consider that this Frank is THE Frank of Czech lore. Only time will tell.
One of the rare individuals given only one name, has what’s been popularly described as “Benjamin Button Disease”, in which the subject is born appearing to be elderly, and as the body replaces cells over its lifetime, slowly rebuilds itself to appear younger. Spending most of his early years in the circus sideshow, Levi’s social skills and interactions involved a lot of juggling and old popcorn. As he grew older/younger, the novelty wore off and he left the sideshow to work at circuit city, stocking bottom shelves and cleaning underneath sinks. As an older man, he found his youthful appearance made him seem vulnerable and helpless, so he began caring an over-sized chainsaw with him wherever he went. Because of this, he is not often approached, unless it is to ask him to leave a business or baby shower. So Levi’s life is one of old young solitude and comically large saws.
The Lost, But Not Forgotten…
Cami first came to the DeMont Guitar company as part of a work-release program, having been arrested attempting to steal a car which, as it turns out, was actually part of a TGI Fridays wall display. Though successful in accurately bypassing the ignition switch, unbeknownst to her the engine had been replaced with a vintage jukebox. It was later discovered that she was on the run from foreign nationals for having a similar experience at a TGI Viernes in Buenos Aires. “The cars were sitting so long, I just thought they were abandoned” Cami reportedly said to authorities. In a press release detectives admitted that “.. her skills are so great, that if any of that wall-art had actually been functioning vehicles, we may have never caught her.” A recent drop in restaurant-decor-related crimes may lead one to believe that perhaps Cami was not as unsuccessful as was once thought.
Currently, she works at DeMont Guitars between 15 and 17.5 hours a day while being monitored via ankle, wrist, neck and tongue tracking bracelets. Cami’s pastimes including, banging on drums, “trying not to get caught” and excessive swearing… though her job duties rarely require such abilities.
Wanted: Have you seen this man? It is believed he may be connected to 137 counts of criminal jay walking and hold information regarding an organized ring of persons responsible for placing thousands of pieces of chewed gum under seats in local restaurants and theaters. Suspect is described as “shifty” and “overly average”, and should be approached with caution. Will likely answer to “Jeff” or “Guadelupe”. He goes missing from work every day from 6pm till noon the next day. If you have any information on the current whereabouts or dietary habits of “Jeff”, please contact us between the hours of 7:00 pm and 7:04 pm.
…a whisper that you can hear on the breeze, or a strange smell you can almost taste; A wanderer from the East. It’s rumored he came from Russia, both because of his general style and the fact that he only drank liquids derived from potatoes. He won over the locals with his loud laugh and even louder weeping, but it was a cold morning when they discovered he had made off with their beloved pickled eggs. To this day, there are local ordinances against entering a store with pickled eggs while having a beard. As for Phil, wherever there is the smell of sulfur and vinegar, wherever people’s desire for pickled eggs goes unsatisfied, wherever bearded men are treated like Soviet era communists, Phil is there.